What did the 1997 study actually test?
Arthur Aron, Edward Melinat, Elaine Aron, Robert Vallone and Renee Bator wanted a way to create closeness in the lab on demand, so relationships could be studied with experiments rather than only surveys. Their procedure was simple. Two people who had never met sat together for 45 minutes and worked through three sets of question slips, about 15 minutes per set. Each set was more personal than the last. Both people answered every question, taking turns to go first.
In the first study, students in a psychology class were paired up. Half got the closeness questions. The other half got a matched set of small-talk prompts, such as describing the last pet they owned or the best restaurant they had been to recently. Afterwards each person rated how close they felt to their partner, including on the “Inclusion of Other in the Self” scale, a picture of two circles that overlap more or less.
What were the results?
The closeness pairs came out ahead. On the study’s closeness measure they averaged 4.06, against 3.25 for small-talk pairs. The authors calculated an effect size of 0.88 standard deviations and noted that 0.8 counts as large in psychology. That is a strong result for a 45-minute conversation with a stranger.
The follow-up studies in the same paper looked for things that might weaken the effect. Closeness did not depend on whether the pair agreed on important attitudes, or on whether they had been led to expect they would like each other. It also held when getting close was not stated as the goal. The authors also reported early hints that attachment style and introversion or extraversion might shape how close people get, and called those findings tentative.
So do the 36 questions make you fall in love?
Not on their own, and the study never claimed they would. It measured how close people felt at the end of the session, not romance, dating or marriage. Many pairs were not even potential couples. The “fall in love” label came later, mostly from Mandy Len Catron’s 2015 New York Times essay. She tried the questions with an acquaintance, added four minutes of silent eye contact, and the two of them did fall in love. Her story is real, but it is one story. Even she framed it as a choice: the questions gave them a reason to get close, and the rest was up to them.
The honest summary is that the questions are a reliable way to feel close to someone quickly. Closeness is usually where romance starts, so if there is already some attraction, the questions can help it along. If there isn’t, you will probably still leave knowing the other person much better.
Why do the questions work?
Psychologists point to escalating, reciprocal self-disclosure. You share something a little personal, the other person responds and shares something at the same level, and then you both go a step deeper. Doing this at a matched pace keeps either person from feeling exposed. A later study by Susan Sprecher and colleagues (2013) found that taking turns made people like each other more than letting one person do all the talking. The 36 questions build that turn-taking in.
The timed sets matter as well. Because pairs moved on every 15 minutes, everyone reached the more intense Set III questions, such as telling your partner what you like about them. Being told something kind and specific by someone who has just listened to your life story is powerful.
How can you get the most out of the questions?
- Do them in one sitting, face to face, with phones away. The interactive game keeps the order and turns for you.
- Answer honestly but at your own pace. Agree that either of you can pass.
- Listen more than you plan your next answer. The responding half is where closeness comes from.
- Prefer paper? Use the 36 questions printable.