All 36 questions from the 1997 study, in their three sets, ready to print or save as a PDF.
The 36 Questions (Aron et al., 1997) · 36truths.com
How to use: Take turns reading each question aloud. The reader answers first, then the other person answers. Swap readers every question. Spend about 15 minutes per set and move on even if you haven’t finished.
Set I
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
- If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- What does friendship mean to you?
- What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
- How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
- How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
- Make 3 true “we” statements each. For instance “We are both in this room feeling. . .”
- Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share. . .”
- If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
- Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
- Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Source: Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377. doi:10.1177/0146167297234003
How should you use the printed questions?
The original study did not hand people a list. Each pair got three small stacks of paper slips, one question per slip, and the instructions were strict: read each slip aloud, both answer it, and don’t skip ahead. Printing the questions brings back the feel of those slips. Phones go away, you both look at the same piece of paper, and nobody is tempted to check a notification between questions.
If you want slips, print the page and cut between the questions. Clip each set together so you can’t accidentally pull a Set III question in the first five minutes. Going from light to personal is the point of the exercise. Question 1 asks about a dream dinner guest. Question 36 asks you to share a personal problem and have your partner reflect your feelings back. Jumping straight to the deep end defeats the purpose.
A printed list also helps when one of you prefers to read rather than listen, when you’re in a noisy place, or when you’re doing it with a group of couples. Give each pair its own copy and a shared timer, and move everyone to the next set at the same moment.
What do the three sets mean?
Set I is warm-up territory: famous dinner guests, perfect days, singing to yourself and a secret hunch about how you’ll die. It ends with taking four minutes to tell your life story. Set II moves to values and memories: your greatest accomplishment, your most treasured and most terrible memories, friendship, and your relationship with your mother. Set III is about the two of you, right now. You make “we” statements, say what you like about each other, and talk about what you would regret not saying.
Each set is timed rather than finished. The researchers deliberately moved pairs on after 15 minutes so even slow pairs would reach some of the more intense Set III questions. You can follow the same rule at home: set a timer, and when it goes off, start the next set even if you’re mid-way through.
What about the four minutes of eye contact?
It isn’t on the printed list, because it wasn’t part of the 1997 procedure. Writer Mandy Len Catron added it when she tried the questions and wrote about it for the New York Times in 2015. If you want to try it, the interactive game has a four-minute timer at the end. Otherwise, a phone stopwatch works fine.
Can you use the printable with friends, students or a team?
Yes, with sensible edits. Teachers and workshop leaders often use Set I as a getting-to-know-you activity and skip questions about death and family for younger or work groups. If you change the list, tell people it is adapted from the study rather than the original. For a ready-made work-safe list, see our icebreaker questions for work. For general conversation, see deep questions to ask.